GET HUBBIED

Here’s an image of my Grandparents right around when I was born - they were married 75 years before my Grandpa died at age 100. Grandma is now 104. May this year be as fun as this image!

We are swayed powerfully by forces that suddenly erupt in our plans. We may marry someone, end a marriage, embark on an unexpected career. There are deep currents beneath the surface.
~ J.G. Ballard, from Some Reflections

Check out the recent article from the vows section of the Sunday NYT: Click here
...it caused a bit of kerfuffle in the blogosphere, and profiled a couple who recently married after falling in love while they were married to other people

In the Los Angeles Times today, Jonah Goldberg - who holds down the far-right pole of the paper's syndicated op-ed columns - weighs in on gay marriage. One of the nice things about some on the far right is a degree of intellectual honesty, and a shared analysis with those of us on the left (e.g., the fact that we're in a class war).

Goldberg celebrates the victory on repealing DADT, and on inching closer to social acceptance of gay marriage. Not because he cares about such cultural fights - he doesn't care too much either way - but because the fact of the fight is itself a form of victory for the right:

Two decades ago, the gay left wanted to smash the bourgeois prisons of monogamy, capitalistic enterprise and patriotic values and bask in the warm sun of bohemian "free love." And avant-garde values....

[Now], the sweeping embrace of bourgeois lifestyles by the gay community has been stunning.

Welcome to victory, friends. The stores are open; shop as usual.

-JZ, 12/28/10

For an article examining the second time around
click here

Is there more than one mate for everyone?

I wouldn't say that this isn't art, but hopefully you'll find a higher caliber of art at the HubbyCo wedding. (Pun most assuredly intended.)

From the Associated Press, dated today (and linked here):

Man shoots bride, best man, then himself at wedding party after announcing a 'surprise'

RIO DE JANEIRO (AP) — A bridegroom fatally shot his new wife, his best man and then himself after announcing to horrified guests that he had a "surprise" for them, authorities said Monday.

Witnesses reported that 29-year-old Rogerio Damascena, a sales manager in Camaragibe, outside the northeastern Brazilian city of Recife, did not give any previous indication that anything was wrong at his wedding reception, police investigator Joao Brito said.

Brito would not speculate on a possible motive, saying family members were in shock and he had not interviewed them yet.

Brito did say the killings are believed to be premeditated because of the groom's announcement and because he had hidden a gun in his father's pickup truck.

Twenty-five-year-old bride Renata Alexandre Costa Coelho and best man Marcelo Guimaraes were both killed in Saturday's murder-suicide. A brother of the bride was treated at a hospital and released.

The website Globo.com quoted a sister of the bride who left before the shootings as saying she didn't believe it was a crime of passion.

"My sister was a wonderful person who loved and wanted to be loved," Lucia Helena Coelho was quoted as saying.

"He was happy, she was happy, the party was beautiful. His family adored her and doesn't understand this," Coelho told Globo.com. "He revealed himself as a sociopath who fooled the entire family and killed his best friend, who was ... the best man."

I may be missing the main point here, but: why would the guests have been horrified at the announcement of a surprise (prior to finding out what the surprise was)? That seems odd.

-JZ

The rain is so constant right now (three days and counting) that damp socks, frizzy hair and a frustrated dog are a given. We all swam through it to take another look at the interior of the Center to think about logistics and flow. Kate Mayfield met us there and has graciously offered to help with the aesthetic challenges ahead - to make a large open space into a comfortable, beautiful and logistically workable one. It already has a certain church-like elegance. I wish I could put Jon and Liz completely at ease - I know I would never let anything I'm associated with be visually awkward, but they don't know that - so only time will tell. They were a little brow-furrowed.

A big pro about the Center is that they are used to weddings - they have almost one per month and already know what works and what doesn't. Luis Baeza, the Events Manager, told us about other weddings they've had, showed us nooks and crannies, movable walls, the basement, etc. He has a calm about him as we talk details; this quality will be wonderful to work with. He already made me feel like nothing could go wrong.

Liz and Jon gave me a pitch perfect bottle of wine today. The words speak volumes - apropos of us coming together for this project.

Wow. I got a link from a friend showing me the guy she's met on salon.com, so I went to the site and started perusing the fellows in my age bracket/location. These gents came up within the first 50 listings. Keep in mind, these are the pictures and profiles you see right away when their page opens. Its interesting(?) how people put themselves out there. Sorry about the lewdness, but it was just so incredibly funny/odd/frightening/awful, I had to share. If I had to choose between the following, I guess I'd go with the guy covered in mud.

My pal Karen Lofgren was the first person to get back to my Facebook siren's song re: the venue search. She's indefatigably helpful. and aside from my admiration for her team player countenance, I'm a big fan of her work (she's in the project too: cake). Her suggestion was to approach the CAFER - she is their grant writer. Before I revved up to contact them, she'd already talked me up and took the temperature of their interest, which was more than warm.

I arrived to 'pitch' the possibility of housing Get Hubbied at the Center. As soon as I sat down with Julia Salazar, the Exectutive Director and Renee Dominique, the Director of Development, I saw on the wall one of my fire hydrant posters I'd sent to Renee a coon's age ago. She'd actually framed it! It is quite large, so that is a commitment. This was a great start to the mtg.

I got lots of information across that for an organized mind would be possible to rearrange into some semblance of sense, though I was less than organized. I must not have been all that bad, since they put up with me for an hour and a 1/2, bless them.

They offered the space right there and then. Their enthusiasm was palpable. They want to have the wedding there and post wedding, a month long exhibition of all the artists' works - and if that weren't enough, even to help me raise some of the very needed funds to make it all happen. Now, to talk to Jon and Liz, have them visit and then come to a decision together - after all, its a collaboration, and their wedding. I drove full of verve straight home and then straight out to the post office and sent them 5 more CoTour catalogues, which they’d loved so much and each wanted one.

Here are a few pics of the visit: Renee, Julia, and click here for their current exhibition.

Our minds still full and buzzing from the George Stoll encounter, at dusk we entered a whole new realm of good. The three of us went to visit Lawrence who has graciously offered his home/manor for Get Hubbied. The spirit in which he opened his arms to the idea was unexpected (shock). I will quote parts of his immediate response to my first gentle pitch:

Our minds still full and buzzing from the George Stoll encounter, at dusk we entered a whole new realm of good. The three of us went to visit Lawrence who has graciously offered his home/manor for Get Hubbied. The spirit in which he opened his arms to the idea was unexpected (shock). I will quote parts of his immediate response to my first gentle pitch:

Gobsmacked - I'm not used to people saying yes so easily, or saying yes at all. I felt giddy but got down to business and asked relevant questions about how he entertains, how many people could comfortably be seated in the garden, what was off limits and such and such. After he said yes to 99% of everything, we were given champagne, lounged about in his living room surrounded by a stellar art and book collection, and neatly ordered curiosities, and had a spirited talk. He actually invited us to smoke! There is an ashtray in arms reach of every chair in the room. I smoked a cigarette entirely due to the opportunity to be decadent. He is a wonder. At no moment did I feel any social panic, and this situation would be ripe for that, but this is who he is - relaxed and positive.

Liz, Jon and I will put our heads together for a while and will visit some other places before lovingly locking anyone into this venture. The only con I see at Lawrence's home is that it may be hard to have a sit down dinner for 180 people (our flexible projected number of guests), since the pool is central to the back yard and the interior is filled with precious things. I would feel responsible for even a slight dimple in his world - it would be terrifying to have anything happen to anything in that home. So, that is a second con. Food for thought, but I went home feeling increased love for humans.

*this is not Mr. X's house:

George is part of the furniture at this neighborhood outdoor cafe, so we met him at his home away from home. We all got right into the discussion springing off of our mutual distaste of the ritual of the groom taking the garter off of the bride's leg (sometimes with teeth).

Wikipedia:

It is the groom's privilege to remove the newlywed bride’s garter and toss it to the male guests. The symbolism to deflowering is unambiguous. Historically, this tradition also relates to the belief that taking an article of the bride's clothing would bring good luck. As this often resulted in the destruction of the bride's dress, the tradition arose for the bride to toss articles of clothing to the guests, including the garter.

and from thegartergirl.com:

The wedding garter is said to be one of the oldest wedding traditions, dating back to the Dark Ages. After the wedding festivities, guests would accompany the bride and groom up to their bedroom to ensure that they arrived safely and to wish them well. It was considered good luck for a guest to take home a little piece of the bride’s clothing. Over time, this ritual evolved into a wild wedding night romp where guests would tackle the bride, ripping her clothes off hoping for a piece of her attire. (It is also said that wedding guests did this to “help” the new couple along)

Over time, this ritual evolved into a wild wedding night romp where guests would tackle the bride, ripping her clothes off hoping for a piece of her attire. (It is also said that wedding guests did this to “help” the new couple along.)

Liz was especially resistant to the idea of having anything taken off of her leg and anything that resembled this ritual. George brought up an interesting way of thinking of the approach. To point out a ritual's ridiculousness could be most powerful if you were to exaggerate the content of the ritual. He suggests making it bolder, obvious and more sexual - amp it up. Zippers, ribbons and pearls were materials in the discussion. His ideas will brew and the conversation will be an interesting road to the eventual piece.

Parents with kids remaining unmarried; breeding habits across educational boundaries; and waiting to get married until prepared: click here for the article

click here for the Ted Talk

This talk took place just hours before NY lawmakers rejected the key marriage equality bill in December of 2009.

Ben Guzman, and the micro-brewery Eastside Brewers he's raised from the ground up, yet another triumphant project he’s delved, has offered to donate beer for the wedding. I'm not a big beer drinker, or do I feign any knowledge of beer brewing, but listening to him talk about his growing business, the passion for it, and the nuances of it, had me hankering for the tasting he's invited Jon, Liz and I to in January. His generosity is so appreciated. I will do all I can to promote his business, as he has aided in mine.

Below is an image from an informal tasting of a sampling of his brew. And second is a picture of him taken from another project of mine he graciously participated in, The CoTour in 2008. He's also a talented musician and sang in the a capella performance at Barnsdal Park, co-composed by his wife, Kelly Martin, and another great friend, Dave Jones. He is also featured in the interview section of this book with Kelly regarding their marriage.

Joe's meeting was back to back with Kimmel - the same day! There we were again with nery a break, Liz, Jon and I, explaining our intentions, our wishes, our fog and our clarity.

Joe listened patiently as we got our bearings and repeated ourselves but then got into the grit of our thinking on the topic at hand, which is the verbiage of a wedding, the ceremony's crux, the statements to each other and the organization of such moments. 'Teetering', a word that came up early in our talk, is what I see as the goal to seek. We want to be subversive, and funny and prod the structures that be, but at the same time to embrace the actual happening - the two people committing publicly to each other in front of their near and dear.

Joe is the perfect fit for this teeter in my estimation. I have seen his performance work, and his skill as an entertainer is as strong as his skill as a pusher of boundaries. The comedy he controls that taps into the uncomfortable for a second (or much much longer), crosses back into comedy again; this a talent the likes of a symphony conductor. You, the audience, are awakened to the place beyond comedy, and are (hopefully) awakened to the line he has crossed and come back from with humor and a solid gaze. His work reminds me of Buster Keaton mixed with David Mamet; Henry Miller mixed with slap-stick, or cowboy movies mixed with kareoke. There's the teetering, and the skill in knowing just when you're about to go too far - to control the room, and gain the audience again. In this case, the work will be a dialogue with Jon and Liz and a ceremony paying attention to the couple and their deep affection for each other and the witnesses, but also a prodding at the structural norms of weddings that people repeat blindly.

There were so many ideas that came out of our talk. Suffice it to say there was mention of power-point, legal documents becoming characters in the ceremony and gafs at unexpected moments. Again, Liz and Jon were pushed into talking about things not in their normal dialogue patterns. It may be uncomfortable at times, but I hope they feel comfortable with that.

It was a mash-up of personality that went well. There is a certain satisfaction with watching people ignite.

But even better, these three drawings of Joe's I find particularly relevant to Get Hubbied: the missile drawings re: the conversation about the conflict between wanting to get married and not knowing why you'd want to get married: a yes and a no. We've been talking about using text on the wedding garments themselves announcing that conflict. Head Exploding- well, isn't that obvious.

Yes Missile 2010, watercolor and pencil on paper, 30 x 24"

No Missile 2010, watercolor and pencil on paper, 30 x 24"

Head Exploding 2010, watercolor and pencil on paper, 22 x 24"

Karen's used to events at a large scale and is concerned that the flowers, even though it is purely that aspect of the wedding that she’d be examining, will require much more thought, labor and cost than what we are asking of her. There is nothing sloppy or unconsidered about anything she does. At this juncture this rather open-ended wedding concept is without an aesthetic adhesive; this concerns her (and me), but this is the very beginning of the process and I trust we’ll sort it out (I also offered up my family as indentured servants for the cause).

I am not the type of person who would allow an event of mine be visually awkward or schizophrenic, but it did help to look at other projects of hers that created big atmosphere with fairly simple elements helping us to begin to imagine ways to structure the visual glue for stages of the ceremony such as hanging elements that would create shadow, or stencils on the table cloths to bring patterns together across the room. Big installations with a lot of detailed organization and mastery over materials - this is second nature to her; they also contain an inherent beauty, grace and inventive pallet that were the reason I asked her to be a part of this in the first place. Many of her workshops and events engage with under privileged and/or challenged children and adults; she brings them together via an art project to work on together, complete and exhibit within her overarching visual and structural plan.

I feel, the most important aspect of her work for this wedding will be a visual substantive backbone for the space that will make people feel drawn together, participatory and safe.

A discussion about the visual aspect to the wedding with Jon and Liz was something I don't think they'd thought much about. I felt they were challenged to verbalize what they wanted in a way they weren't prepared for, but that was interesting in its own right.

We met Jon and Liz at Amy' Cargill's compact yet comfortable editing room to go over the interview footage. I want to be able to give the artists a solid take on their personalities and values so that they can begin thinking of how they will approach their piece. Some of the artists won't be able to meet J&L in person, so this video will serve as their bearing. I know they were nervous to see themselves on film. I don't happen to like that experience personally, so I get it.

Amy had already gone through a first pass, taking out some of the no-brainer moments. We looked through the 30 minutes of footage taken down from an hour, that Amy will now take down to 20 for the artists and 10 for the website. I reveled in the reliving of J&L’s succinct and compelling messages that go hand in hand with my impetus for the project. They are also quite funny, and I forgot that about them - its often distracting being behind the camera. By the way, this interview was not masterful with focus. The camera was set to auto-focus and it kept finding the trees behind them outside - the trees looked sharp! They got along with Amy; there was much laughter in the small room; there were not that many moments in the video that they wanted to take out - I dare say they enjoyed it, and were impressed.

The last few days have filled my head to overflow with investigation into venues, and all their inclusions, exclusions, price sheets, guidelines, deposits, curfews, caterers, floor plans, capacity, parking, bathrooms, clean-up, valet, staffing, available dates, guest lists, seating, tableware, site fees, and deadlines. Don't laugh. My wedding (in 2000) was planned by my ex-mother-in-law, so I wasn't privy to the nitty gritty. I got to plan my dress and the favors and the cake, and that was pretty stress-free.

I put too much pressure on myself to get everything done each day. Prioritizing is elusive for me. I have my lists and I feel unaccomplished if I haven't crossed everything on them. But, I'm getting better, and setting boundaries. HA! I'm sitting here with five windows open on the computer each seeking more information, or fixing the websites, or making a chart, and another list. There's always tomorrow...